Neverwinter Inc Companion Owner's Guides
by HyacinthMacaw
Summary: Completely unapologetic tongue in cheek humor.  Here are the 'official' manufacturer's guidelines to the correct use and various malfunctions of the fascinating but sometimes totally frustrating NWN2 companions.  Enjoy!
1. Casavir

**Neverwinter Inc.**

**presents**

**"Casavir"**

Congratulations on the purchase of your new Casavir! This **Lawful Good human Tyrran paladin** will surely provide you with years of faithful service and amusement.

For detailed instructions on the care, feeding, abilities, training, romancing, etc. of your Casavir, please consult the owner's manual, "The Faerûnian Idiot's Guide to Casavirs" that was enclosed in the packaging of your purchase.

Your Casavir is a complex companion. Misuse may cause severe damage. With that in mind, please be certain to read and observer the following cautions prior to first use.

To keep the Casavir in optimal working condition, please avoid exposing it to the following:

- Bishops

- Denizens of evil

- Blackguards

- Evil-aligned women who it may feel obliged to redeem

- Casual sexual propositions

- Hordes of undead

- Necromancers

- Injustice

- Raging orc tribes

- Wells, springs, and watering holes of any kind

- Politicians

- Guilt complexes

- Opportunities for martyrdom

- Proponents of blind obedience

- Damsels unhappily betrothed to elderly nobles

- Mockery of religious faith

- Reminders of its suddenly leaving Neverwinter

- Discussions of romantic feelings

Do not submit the Casavir to "lesser of two evils" situations as this may cause its paladinhood to experience severe stress and possible breakage.

Please do not oblige the Casavir to swear a vow without considering the consequences you may cause, as it is then bound to either fulfill its word or die trying. For example, "Swear that you'll stop being romantically angsty" might cause severe issues.

Neverwinter Inc. assumes no responsibility for incidents of overzealous and possibly suicidal attacks on evil resulting from placing the Casavir too close to citizens in distress.

The Casavir comes as-is, without warranty. Any alterations or changes resulting from use of the Casavir as companion are solely the responsibility of the owner.

Coming soon in Marpenoth 1386: the new Casavir 2.0 upgrade chip. This highly requested new technology will allow your Casavir to act romantically and confess his love without the requirements of a castle wall and an impending battle of doom!

**Troubleshooting of Common Issues**

_Q. My Casavir obviously has romantic feelings for me, but doesn't talk about it. What do I do about this?_  
A. Your Casavir is a Tyrran paladin and as such is obliged to keep silent so as to not use its high standing and charisma to influence you. After the Casavir 2.0 chip, this issue should be largely resolved by your simply asking it for the true nature of its feelings for you. Until the release of the upgrade, try talking to it on top of a castle wall the night before an impending battle of doom to get the desired result.

_Q. I think I've done something wrong. My Casavir no longer has an aura and can't cast divine spells._  
A. Have you recently exposed your Casavir to situations forcing it to choose largely Chaotic ways? If so, you've altered its alignment, and it is now a Neutral Good fighter. To help this, if you desire it, consult your local Temple of Tyr for an atonement quest to help your Casavir regain paladin status.

_Q. I think I screwed my Casavir up. I just wanted to see what would happen if I made it fall! Now it's casting "Smite Good" and destroying villages!_  
A. Yes, you did mess it up. Your Casavir is now a Lawful Evil blackguard. And you didn't see this coming? Search your heart for what led to this catastrophe, and consult your local Temple of Tyr. Evil owners may wish to purchase an Aribeth (Blackguard Version) and let the two blackguards freely pillage the countryside enforcing their unholy authority.

_Q. This stupid paladin won't stop harping on me about goodness and redemption. I'm evil, dammit!_  
A. Why did you purchase a _paladin_? Consider turning it into a formidable blackguard.

_Q. I own a Bishop and it won't leave the Casavir alone_.  
A. The Consumer Warnings specifically suggested avoiding exposing your Casavir to a Bishop. Owning both a Bishop and a Casavir may lead to constant conflict and a duel to the death. Careful management can avoid this, but it generally involves severe alteration of the Bishop to keep the peace, and dedication on the owner's part to bring about this result. Most owners choose only one or the other.

_Q. It won't stop talking about Old Owl Well! Can't it say anything else?_  
A. The Consumer Warnings specifically said to not expose the Casavir to wells. Sorry, but it's your problem now.

_Q, How old is the Casavir, really?_  
A. While the manufacturer's suggested age is "late thirties", your Casavir can justifiably be whatever age you consider proper. This is particularly useful for female owners who think that the idea of a paladin romancing a teenaged Knight Captain is strange—though perhaps no more strange than the fact that a teenager can be a Knight-Captain.


	2. Bishop

**Neverwinter Inc.**

**presents**

**"Bishop"**

Congratulations on the purchase of your new Bishop! This **Chaotic Evil human Faithless ranger** will surely provide you with years of sarcastic cracks and constant concern that you might be killed in your sleep.

For detailed instructions on the care, feeding, abilities, training, romancing, etc. of your Bishop, please consult the owner's manual, "The Faerûnian Idiot's Guide to Bishops" that was enclosed in the packaging of your purchase.

Your Bishop is a complex companion. Misuse may cause severe damage.

With that in mind, please be certain to read and observe the following cautions prior to first use.

To keep the Bishop in optimal working condition, please avoid exposing it to the following:

- Casavirs

- Actually, any and all paladins

- Good samaritan half-elven barkeeps

- Religious faith

- Wenches at local brothels

- Defenseless villages

- Vulnerability

- Daggers and skinning knives

- Pelt golems

- Women

- Servants of good

- Charitable acts

- Commitment

- Trust

- Helplessness

- Luskans

- Indebtedness

- Idealism

- A bath

It is advised that you not make sudden movements around the Bishop as this may cause it to stab you. Also use statements of good-natured intent, heroism, or selflessness with extreme caution as these will cause the Bishop significant consternation.

Neverwinter Inc. assumes no responsibility for sudden unexplained declarations of love and random betrayals resulting from use of the Bishop. Property destruction resulting from these actions is also not legally considered a liability, particularly in the case of gates.

The Bishop comes as-is, without warranty. Any alterations or changes resulting from use of the Bishop as companion are solely the responsibility of the owner.

**Troubleshooting of Common Issues**

_Q. My Bishop just confessed that he loved me, right after he tried to kill me._  
A. Romantic feelings overwhelm the Bishop and tend to produce unpredictable and excessive responses. To snap it out of its homicidal impulses, tell it that you hope it finds itself happy taking its new master's orders. Also, contact your nearest non-corrupt City Watch member to help restrain the Bishop until such time as it regains its senses. Failing the availability of the Watch, try using a paladin, but we claim no responsibility for any duels to the death that result.

_Q. I just bought a Casavir and now my Bishop won't leave it alone._  
A. The Consumer Warnings specifically suggested avoiding exposing your Bishop to a Casavir. Owning both a Bishop and a Casavir may lead to constant conflict and a duel to the death. Careful management can avoid this, but it generally involves severe alteration of the Bishop to keep the peace, and dedication on the owner's part to bring about this result. Most owners choose only one or the other.

_Q. No, I'm serious. I think the Bishop is more interested in the Casavir than in me, and the Casavir is clueless._  
A. Separate them immediately, otherwise you might come home to find one dead on the floor when the Bishop finally declares his love. The Bishop is not designed to handle the stresses of an illogical attraction to its antithesis, the Casavir. If you believe its intent is to meddle with the Casavir and cause a fall as a paladin, tell it to cease and desist immediately, unless that is the desired result.

_Q. It starts every other sentence with "You see" or "Well now", which annoys me._  
A. Smack it until it shuts up if you so desire, though be forewarned that due to the Bishop's unpredictable nature, it might actually enjoy this. Be sure to be constructive and suggest a new opening to a sentence. This is a valuable opportunity to improve its linguistic skill. Consult the "Training" chapter of your Bishop owner's manual for more detail.

_Q. My Bishop sniffles and snorts constantly. Is it sick?_  
A. When asked, the Bishop often claims it's the result of its allergies to do-gooders. We suspect it's merely hay fever, however. Offer it the Handkerchief of Blowing +4 and Marilla's Magic Medicated Cold Lozenges included in your accessories package.

_Q. This creepy ranger keeps demanding to stab people and likes to burn down helpless villages. I'm a good person, and its idea of fun is disgusting!_  
A. You bought an_ evil ranger_ and are now surprised at this? Sadly, the Bishop and any damages it causes are now your problem. If this truly horrifies you, consider subjecting your Bishop to an emotional trigger that leads him to a redemption quest. Discussing this problem with the clergy of good-aligned deities may prove helpful.

(For pertinent regulations and discussions of liability, please see the Code of Faerunian Law, Sec 4, paragraph A, clauses a and b, "Possession of Dangerous Companions That Constitute a Public Menace", or consult with the nearest Tyrran paladin.)


	3. Nevalle

**Neverwinter Inc.**

**presents**

**"Nevalle"**

Congratulations on the purchase of your new Nevalle! This **Lawful Good human Tyrran fighter/Neverwinter Nine** will surely provide you with years of devoted aesthetic pleasure.

For detailed instructions on the care, feeding, abilities, training, romancing, etc. of your Nevalle, please consult the owner's manual, "The Faerûnian Idiot's Guide to Nevalles" that was enclosed in the packaging of your purchase.

Your Nevalle is a complex companion. Misuse may cause severe damage. With that in mind, please be certain to read and observer the following cautions prior to first use.

To keep the Nevalle in optimal working condition, please avoid exposing it to the following:

- Mud (except at Redfallows Watch)

- Enemies of Neverwinter

- Nasher's critics

- Gainful occupation

- Mirrors

- Paladins who question sworn loyalty to Nasher

- Impromptu and informal knighting ceremonies

- Wry jests

- Civil disobedience

- Moral dilemmas

- Nature

- Dawdling at doing Nasher's bidding

- Reluctance to accept Nasher's gifts

- Suggestions of doing something useful

- Things scraped from boots

- Luskans

Please do not send the Nevalle to perform any tasks aside from the occasional conversation and compelling adventurers to do the will of Nasher. We have constructed it with the idea that its function is to be solely decorative.

Neverwinter Inc. regrets to report that the Nevalle is no longer available as an individual. From this point on, all Nevalles will be sold in a two-pack accompanied by a Lord Nasher. This is for the Nevalle's peace of mind.

The Nevalle comes as-is, without warranty. Any alterations or changes resulting from use of the Nevalle as companion are solely the responsibility of the owner.

**Troubleshooting of Common Issues**

_Q. My Nevalle is prettier than me._  
A. As a muscular, blond, handsome hunk, your Nevalle cannot help that it is a specimen of man-pretty. Enjoy the show, and please desist complaining.

_Q. I think the presence of a Casavir upsets my Nevalle. It starts mumbling about disloyalty and fleeing and oathbreaking._  
A. We suggest that you limit exposure of your Nevalle to a Casavir outside of a battlefield setting, however, as arguments of duty and morality may well ensue. The Casavir is quite sensitive about this subject and might suffer severe self-doubt as a result. The Nevalle will be happier for it as well, and will soon resume a state of inaction.

_Q. My Nevalle just stands around and doesn't do anything._  
A. It will run Lord Nasher's errands and demand that his whims be carried out in an expeditious fashion. Other than that, sadly, it is given little to do and merely serves as a decorative conversation piece. Feel free to display it at your next party, as this will be sure to delight your guests.

_Q. I think my Nevalle likes Lord Nasher. That's all it ever talks about_.  
A. Blasphemer! The Nevalle's constant mention of its liege lord is merely demonstration of the purest of loyalties. However, Neverwinter Inc.declines to comment on the rumor that a wager exists that the first words from Nevalle's firstborn will be "Yes, Lord Nasher".

_Q. I just found it using my hair dye. I'm afraid I'll find it trying on my camisole next._  
A. Not to worry, the camisole is safe. Your Nevalle is merely maintaining its enchanting blond highlights, as it is very scrupulous about its appearance.

_Q. I managed to find my Nevalle's new talent: gourmet cook._  
A. Really? Displaying talents and interests? It must be a faulty model. Please send it back to Neverwinter Inc.'s "Fully Developed Characters Department" in the Merchant District. You will receive a replacement with the standard Nevalle for display only.

_Q. I have a massive orc infestation on my lands. Please, can't I use my Nevalle to help quell it? It's a fighter, after all, and I heard something about mud and orcs and Redfallows Watch._  
A. Your Nevalle may well have retained some of its former fighting glory, although we claim no responsibility for marring it with scarring, maiming, and injury resulting from use other than intended. In this case, we highly suggest teaming the Nevalle with a Casavir to form a formidable anti-orc partnership. Then you may freely enjoy the spectacle of handsome Tyrran warriors in battle, while being assured that the two comrades will look out for each others' safety. Also, charging admission from female friends is quite acceptable.


	4. Sand

**Neverwinter Inc.**

**presents**

**"Sand"**

Congratulations on the purchase of your new Sand! This **Lawful Neutral moon elf Mystran wizard** will surely provide you with years of sarcastic quips and demands for premium hair-care products.

For detailed instructions on the care, feeding, abilities, training, romancing, etc. of your Sand, please consult the owner's manual, "The Faerûnian Idiot's Guide to Sand" that was enclosed in the packaging of your purchase.

Your Sand is a complex companion. Misuse may cause severe damage.

With that in mind, please be certain to read and observer the following cautions prior to first use.

To keep the Sand in optimal working condition, please avoid exposing it to the following:

- Qaras

- Torios

- Duncans

- Any Luskan ambassador

- Any Luskan

- The Hosttower

- Primitive conditions

- Questions as to where Legolas is

- Idiot girls

- Remarks on its lack of height

- Overpowering scents

- Lack of bathing facilities

- Dwarven bellowing

- Self-scrutiny

- Stupidity

- Opportunities to showboat

- Murder trials

- The Neverwinter Academy and its personnel

Do not permit the Sand free reign in your local mall under any circumstances, unless you want your credit cards and bank account to take a severe beating.

Neverwinter Inc. assumes no responsibility for incidents of magical duels occurring should your Sand encounter a Qara. We highly suggest you contact your local insurance agent concerning the availability of Sand-owner's policies covering against property damage of an elemental nature, or from use of Bixby's hand, etc.

The Sand comes as-is, without warranty. Any alterations or changes resulting from use of the Sand as companion are solely the responsibility of the owner.

**Troubleshooting of Common Issues**

_Q. My Sand just cleaned out my bank account buying hair care products, bubble bath, and silk robes._  
A. The Sand is a very high-maintenance companion. We highly suggest that more outdoors oriented owners who desire easier care should consider the purchase of a Casavir or a Khelgar. A Bishop is not recommended since to keep control of its excesses requires constant supervision. Consider letting a friend's Nevalle come over so the two can swap hair tips, and bankroll its habits with cottage industry: put your Sand to work formulating a new line of beauty products with its formidable alchemy talents.

_Q. I'm not sure whether my Sand wants to kill Torio or take her out to dinner._  
A. Actually, neither are we. The test phase did not extend to exposing these two to each other except in limited situations. Please let us know what results.

_Q. I took it to the library and can't find it now._  
A. It's probably buried itself in the dustiest, most antiquated stack of magical tomes to study and enhance its abilities. Wait, what do you mean your library doesn't have any magical tomes? In that case, check near the Harlequin romances.

_Q. Can it say anything serious? The sarcasm is getting old._  
A. The Neverwinter Inc. psychologist suggests that this is a compensating mechanism by the Sand to combat issues of self-confidence following dubious incidents in its past and against a sense of its possessing underdeveloped character. In testing, the Sand was found to make serious comments just 5 percent of the time. If this bothers you, please consider purchase of another companion.

_Q. What happens if I buy a Legolas to keep my Sand company?_  
A. The two will almost certainly immediately engage in hissing and hair-pulling to determine which of them is prettier, which may turn into mortal combat. Or, in a few cases, they may provide far more intensely sexual company to each other than some owners may desire. Furthermore, Neverwinter Inc's products are not made to be compatible with those of Lothlorien Ltd.

_Q. Are you really sure I can't own both a Sand and a Qara?_  
A. Yes. This is equaled only by ownership of both a Casavir and a Bishop as a terrible idea. Please consider than unlike a ranger and paladin, a wizard and sorceress might not just kill each other but destroy half your block in the process. Now stop asking stupid questions.


	5. Neeshka

**Neverwinter Inc.**

**presents**

**"Neeshka"**

Congratulations on the purchase of your new Neeshka! This **True Neutral Tymoran tiefling rogue** will surely provide you with a great deal of shiny baubles as well as wisecracks.

For detailed instructions on the care, feeding, abilities, training, romancing, etc. of your Neeshka, please consult the owner's manual, "The Faerûnian Idiot's Guide to Neeshkas" that was enclosed in the packaging of your purchase.

Your Neeshka is a complex companion. Misuse may cause severe damage.

With that in mind, please be certain to read and observe the following cautions prior to first use.

To keep the Neeshka in optimal working condition, please avoid exposing it to the following:

- City Watch members

- Lawfulness

- Paladins

- Aasimars

- Half-witted tanar'ri hindlickers

- Shiny things

- Anything not bolted down

- A blood geas

- Honor amongst thieves

- Leldon

- Locks

- People of a prejudicial mindset

- Selflessness

- Discussions on law not involving the phrase "Possession is 9/10ths"

- A copy of the Neverwinter criminal code

- Seasick dwarves and wood elves

- Lara Croft, Tomb Raider

- Dour Helmites

- Credit cards

It is advised that you not comment too frequently on the Neeshka being a tiefling. It is well aware of it, and is somewhat sensitive about the subject, which may lead to a sense of mistrust and even persecution.Neverwinter Inc. assumes no responsibility for outraged citizenry calling you regarding the location of stolen property after your Neeshka has been prowling in the evenings. Any resulting civil or criminal penalties are solely the owner's by virtue of being the caretaker of the Neeshka.

The Neeshka comes as-is, without warranty. Any alterations or changes resulting from use of the Neeshka as companion are solely the responsibility of the owner.

**Troubleshooting of Common Issues**

_Q. My Neeshka keeps getting upset whenever a paladin and/or aasimar comes near, complaining about itchy skin._

A. Paladins and aasimars certainly possess a holy aura, although in test phases we noticed the fact that the Neeshka mentions this issue only when one of these beings is prospective to share its company, and then never brings it up again. We suspect the Neeshka is possibly telling you a white lie, or at least overstating the situation in hopes that you won't permit these beings near it to disapprove of its actions and cramp its style. As for itchy skin, if you've been adventuring in the wilds lately please consult a healer and rule out any conditions such as ticks or scabies that would explain its symptoms. Offer the Neeshka the Comforting Calomel Lotionenclosed with purchase.

_Q. I'm really running up the legal bills from its "extracurricular" excursions._  
A. The Neeshka can't avoid grabbing shiny things when it spies them. It's a simple fact of your new companion's nature. Be honored that it chooses to show its affection by bestowing gifts on you. And on the bright side, its intelligence generally realizes which shiny things are valuable. Bankroll its defense from this fund, and please hide the loot better next time.

_Q. It's boobytrapped my basement and now I can't go down there without being injured by acid, fire, arrows, etc._  
A. Your new companion also enjoys the challenge of dealing with traps and locks. Permit it to practice for mental stimulation and its continued happiness. Consider that given the chance, it didn't set traps with your sofa and remote control instead.

_Q. Some strange guy in black robes and a skull surrounded by blue flames asked me for some of my Neeshka's blood._  
A. That's a problem. To avoid your Neeshka being bound by a blood geas, please be watchful that it doesn't get injured. As for getting rid of the visitor, consult your nearest heroic fellowship…and tell them to bring in the True Name scroll.

_Q. I can't get it to stop playing "Lara Croft, Tomb Raider". It's keeping me awake all night with the noise!_  
A. You have a rogue and you're surprised that you can't get it to obey you, or stop playing a game that involves tomb robbery and treasure? Maybe you should reconsider your purchase._  
_


End file.
